Sunday, February 17, 2013

A Simple Confession

I have been putting this post off for a really long time.

Even after having all of this time to think about it, I still don't know how to put into words what I really want to say.  

I don't ever know exactly how personal I want this blog to be.  I don't know who is reading and who isn't or if anyone is reading.  I don't know what is appropriate and what isn't.  I don't know how many blogs I have sketched out on paper and then just put in my journal because I didn't know if I was quite ready for people to know what I really am feeling. 
It's the eternal struggle that I often find myself in.  I enjoy blogs that people say things the way they are and how life really is, but when it came to personal things in my own life I didn't know how much I wanted to share.

So I still feel like there are things that I would like to say.  And right now seems like the perfect time to say, because I have actually started to say it.

I guess I need to start from about a year ago.
Last year I started having some health problems that was obvious that my body wasn't quite working right.  I visited the doctor...a lot.
This is the part where I don't know how much detail is too it suffices me to say that we didn't know if or when we would be able to have more children.  
I was lucky in the fact that my symptoms were obvious and I was able to get help, unlike many women who wait years to have a baby not even knowing that there is anything wrong with their bodies.
I read everything I could to get answers and prayed a lot that everything would be okay.
I was physically and emotionally a mess.

I knew in my heart that we would be able to have children again, I just didn't know when it was going to happen.
I was extremely grateful for the long car rides with my mom to Utah every couple of weeks that we were able to talk and cry and talk some more. 
 It was an extremely emotional journey.  
I never got angry about what I was going though, per se, but I was a lot more aware of the ignorant comments that people make without even thinking.  I was also noticed every single time someone posted something pro abortion and it made my heart cringe.  I wanted a baby so bad and thousands of babies were literally being ripped apart and being thrown in the garbage every single day. (Worldwide, there are estimated to be more than 40 million abortions per year.  See Gilda Sedgh and others, “Induced Abortion: Incidence and Trends Worldwide from 1995 to 2008,” The Lancet, vol. 379, no. 9816 (Feb. 18, 2012), 625–32.)   

I was super excited to see that several of my friends were pregnant.  It didn't bother me.  I was so happy for them.  However, it did make me evermore aware of how very un-pregnant I was.

I also became very aware of other people that might be having problems similar to mine and tried to read everything I could online to find other people's success stories.  My heart truly aches for those of you that are feeling that empty feeling that comes from infertility or secondary infertility.  I never knew  how painful that could possibly be, and to some degree I never will.

Sergio stayed so calm and, honestly, I don't think he could understand why I was as nervous as I was.  He knew that everything was going to be alright.

It turns out he was right, like always, and we were blessed to not have to wait but a small moment.

A few days after Sergio's birthday I took a pregnancy test.  I was absolutely positive that it was going to be negative without the slightest doubt in my mind, but with just enough faith to act.
I about fell off when instantly a 2nd line appeared on my test.  It was a miracle, but I still wasn't convinced.  I called the Dr's office and told them I needed to come in for a blood draw.  They asked me if I had taken a test and I told them yes...and that I was pretty sure it was positive.  They asked what kind of test I had taken and I was congratulated and asked when I would like to set up my first prenatal appointment.

I was in complete and total shock.

Sergio had still been waiting for one of his birthday presents that I ordered a little late online so when he came home to a nicely wrapped present I don't think he really thought anything of it:

I love the look of utter and complete surprise on his face.  I couldn't say anything without tears just running down my face. 

A few days later we told my parents.  They were every bit as shocked as we were.

I didn't tell ANYONE that I was pregnant.
In fact.  I was in complete denial that I was really pregnant...I don't know if denial is the right word.
I wasn't going to say a thing, just in case there were other complications.
I didn't want to make it too real, just in case things didn't work out as happily as we were wanting it to.

We recorded this video to announce to my brothers:

Even hearing the heartbeat I wasn't convinced that nothing was going to go wrong.

A few weeks ago I gave my family the go ahead to tell anyone that they wanted to but they kept saying that I was the one that needed to tell people.  To be completely honest I didn't know how to bring it up.  I think in part I was afraid to jinx something.

I could probably count the number of people that I told on one hand.
So if you didn't hear directly from me or face to face, please don't feel left out.  I have had a really hard time announcing.

However...I am SUPER excited.

On Friday (19 weeks and some odd days)
Sergio, ZZ, my mom and I were able to go to our ultrasound.
I watched as our baby moved around, sucked its thumb and rubbed its eyes and I knew it was real.
At the end I watched the tech check off "OK" on each of the different parts of the baby and a feeling of relief came over me.
We really are going to have another baby!
I could even tell people that we are expecting our 2nd!!

I had thought of all of the fun ways to tell everyone...
but everything I was trying wasn't working out quite right.
For the record...she is trying to show you her belly.  
It seemed like a really good idea at first.
Something about having my daughter flashing the camera didn't feel quite appropriate to announce that we were going to try to raise another child. 
When I was looking through a couple of our other pictures I decided to settle on this family picture at our ultrasound:
What better way to show off our expanding family.

None the less, 
Now that it is Ultrasound and Facebook official...
I am sure I will load up this blog with all sorts of fun little pictures of baby bellies and newborns.
Be prepared to be bombarded!


Lene said...

The video of Sergio made me cry. So touching.

And I would have to agree that maybe teaching your daughter to flash her naughty bits might come back and haunt you.

And I know the challenge of secondary infertility is so overlooked. I remember feeling guilty about the struggle since I already had children. It doesn't make it easier to still struggle to add to your family.

I love your family and can't wait to meet the newest member!

Janiece said...

couldn't say it any better than your aunt lene.

Malissa said...

Beautiful post Kira! You are an AMAZING mom! Isn't it crazy what we end up having to face in life? Things we never planned for. I would have never dreamt of the things my husband and I have had to struggle with. The Lord is mindful of us and I am SO grateful he has seen me through the trials my children have had to face. I am SO exited to see your family grow!!!

Kara D. said...

Love this post so much! I am very happy for you!

Tara Martin said...

The video of sergio might have made me tear up a bit. And by might i mean it did.